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I dont know how to do this any more. I need to talk to him or let go but I cant do either, and its fucking hurting. I havent been sleeping, I am on the verge of tears most of the time and I feel like shit. if I could just talk to him it might get better but I dont know how. I hate this.

I don’t know what’s worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity
to show you what I mean
I don’t know how I got this way
I’ll never be alright
So, I’m breaking the habit
I’m breaking the habit
I’m breaking the habit
Tonight

He came down last night, unexpected, and he still has the power to make me smile just by being him. He got me to admit how i was feeling, tell him everything, and he didnt react how i thought he would, he talked me down and then i let him read all my posts on here, i thought after that he would think i was a crazy needy bitch, but he talked it through with me and made me see that he doesnt think that, that he loves me and he isnt gonna hurt me like the rest. i felt bad cos he thought i was thinking bad of him, and i know i have to stop projecting my emotions and thoughts onto him. i also had counselling today and she talked me thru it all in a diff way, with the same end answer, he loves me for the things i cant see yet. but i have to change years of conditioning if i ever want to be able to not close off and break down.

it took a lot last night to bring me round and im so glad he did, cos today with him was so amazing, i felt like the me i used to be with him, the happy one who was able to laugh and joke, instead of the person id become. i missed that so much, i missed us being the good crazy us, the ones who just love being together. and i plan to make sure we have more days like today, lots more.

am not looking forward to 8oclock, my kid will be going to bed and if the tears come again i dont think ill be able to stop them again.

So, I punched my headboard last night, was either that or i ripped my hair out. So much going on inside and it got too much.

He said a while ago that he was gonna be really busy and was worrying about how to fit me in, but that he really wanted to and would make sure he did. last night he was saying how boredom was setting in, but no mention of maybe coming down to see me. after the fuck up i could do with some reassurance but doesnt look like im gonna get it. all this after he said about a convo we had about his new tat, only prob was, we didnt have that convo. ofcourse after what happened and how he has been acting my brain goes straight to him having it with another girl, tho he says it was with his bro and sister. I havent a clue what to think, spent last night in tears, cried myself to sleep, cos on top of all that i have all these other shitty thoughts in my head.I cant deal, i had to go to my sisters today cos i knew i was gonna spend the day in bed crying, even when i was out i could barely control it. i dont think he realises what a huge domino effect he started when he did it and then lied, and im the one having to deal with it all, having to feel this shit cos i wasnt enough, as usual.

Fuck, i wish he hadnt done what he did, since then my head has been filled with doubts about myself. and i dont want to say anything to him cos it will just seem like i cant let it go, but there are questions i just cant get rid of and its driving me crazy. why did he have to do it? and why did he have to lie to me?? why wasnt i enough?

im fat, huge, fat, disgusting, ugly. I cant bare the thought of him seeing me, and after telling him i want to cut again, the fact i want to keep my clothes on is probably making him think Im hiding cuts. but im not. im hiding my whole body because when I see it i want to be sick, and i think he will think the same. Im so sick of this, we dont see eachother as much anymore, before he used to invite me up to his house during the day when he was off, now im lucky if he wants to come down once a week, and i know its cos im disgusting, and he can do better, thinner, prettier…

being selfish, he keeps telling me to be selfish, but i dont know how to do it with him, i just sound needy in my head and i dont want him to think im too much to handle. but i have found i can do it on here, i can say all the things on here cos i know he isnt gonna see them, stupid but is the only way i can get them out and not feel like im gonna push him away.

Most of the bad thoughts from the past few days have gone, and yet i still have some, like not texting him incase i bother him, so i wait until he texts me, at 3pm he  finally got round to it, ‘you couldnt still be sleeping lol x’. no im not, i was hoping you wanted to talk to me, now im still not sure if you do.

Fuck it, I hate this shit and I hate my head and I just wish I didnt have to try and hide the fact that Im struggling so badly cos if I dont hide it then Im gonna push my bf away cos who the fuck needs a gf like me!